The Conflict Paradox: Why Opening Your Mind is Your Strongest Move
Less friction, more focus — work through disagreements to reach your goals
Why your brain hates friction and discord (the interaction, not the social platform)
Conflict doesn’t have to derail your dreams, tank your business, or ruin your relationships. Dealt with effectively, conflict can inspire you to learn and grow. Face it: bumping up against other people’s points of view is part of life. Whether it’s your co-founder, your critique partner, your best friend, or that cousin who always knows better, disagreements are woven into the fabric of being human.
The secret sauce? Making sure everyone involved walks away feeling like they weren’t just shouting into the void. Feeling heard isn’t just a feel-good perk; it’s fundamental, especially when you’ve got goals to hit.
Conflict usually lights up when someone feels like their needs, ideas, or just their general sense of well-being is under attack. It’s biology — that primal urge to either throw down or run for the hills kicks in when we perceive a threat.
Can you keep your cool and be receptive when your internal alarms are blaring? Yeah, it’s tough. But freaking out and treating conflict like an insurmountable obstacle is a choice. With practice, you can train your brain to bypass the immediate fight-or-flight panic and see the potential for growth or a better solution hiding within the disagreement.
Ready to upgrade your conflict operating system? Try these approaches:
1. Master your reactions before you open your mouth
Get a grip. When things get heated, resist the urge to launch a verbal volley immediately. Seriously, hit the pause button. If you need to, physically step away for a minute — just let the other person know you need a moment but you’ll be back.
Didn’t your grandma tell you to count to ten when you’re ticked? That’s gold. You can’t process what someone else is saying, let alone figure out your own coherent thoughts, if your pulse is pounding in your ears and you’re mentally composing your next zinger.
Take a breath.
No, really — a few slow, deep belly breaths work wonders to short-circuit the panic button. Doctors say audible blasted belly breaths (PWAHHHHHH!!) actually reset your heart and blood pressure.
Center yourself. I used to pride myself on the speed and sharpness of my comebacks when I felt cornered or annoyed. Took me a while (and probably some scorched relationships) to realize my “rapier wit” often just came across as… well, sharp.
It wasn’t until I started practicing mindfulness, actually observing that knee-jerk sarcastic impulse before it flew out of my mouth, that things started shifting. It’s ongoing work, but stifling that impulse makes a huge difference.
2. Fight smarter, not harder — focus your fire
Not every hill is worth dying on. Before diving into the fray, get crystal clear about what the actual issue is right now. Resist the temptation to drag in every past grievance or related annoyance — that just creates noise and makes resolution impossible.
What truly matters in this specific situation?
Define your non-negotiables, but equally important, commit to genuinely understanding the other person’s angle. This isn’t about surrender; it’s about gathering intel.
At that point, reflective listening becomes your superpower. When they talk, you zip it. Clear your head of your brilliant rebuttal for a second, and just listen. Absorb their points without instant judgment.
Then, paraphrase their ideas back: “Okay, so if I’m understanding correctly, you’re feeling X because of Y… Is that right?”
Give it a beat — count to two — before you respond to anything they say. Breaking that automatic, rapid-fire response pattern creates the space needed to actually hear and consider a different viewpoint.
My childhood home was loud. Big family, everyone clamoring for airtime. Listening wasn’t really on the menu; it was more about who could yell the loudest. I don’t think we ever grasped that someone might have a valid point, even though I disagreed. Later, becoming a parent flipped a switch for me.
Suddenly, I was fascinated by and listened to everything my genius kids said (okay, maybe I was biased, but still!). That, plus years working as an interviewer, hammered home a crucial lesson — listening is often far more powerful than talking.
3. Shift your lens: ditch the drama, find the facts
Our brains are fantastic storytellers, especially during arguments. We can easily spin elaborate tales about the other person’s malicious intent. Try to consciously filter that out.
Separate the button-pushing comments, yours and theirs, from the actual substance of the disagreement. Focus on the tangible issues, the facts, the feelings directly related to the problem at hand. What can actually be resolved or agreed upon here? Arguing about concrete issues is way more productive than getting bogged down in personality clashes or emotional baggage.
I know this to be true because I have whole steamer trunks full of emotional baggage I’ve had to put into perspective.
Make the effort — and yes, sometimes it feels like forcing it — to genuinely try on their perspective. For just a moment, intentionally silence your own internal monologue and be curious about their view. Why do they see it that way? What needs are driving their position? When I started (clumsily at first, as my husband would happily confirm) trying to do this, it was like my ability to hear improved overnight.
Crucially, you need to allow their ideas to have potential merit even if you don’t instantly agree. You don’t have to adopt every opinion you encounter, but shutting down anything that contradicts your view means missing enormous opportunities for learning, growth, and finding unexpected solutions.
Who has a harder fight than he who is striving to overcome himself? — Thomas a Kempis
Whether it’s a tense talk with your partner or hashing out a strategy in a team meeting, make space for all voices. Ensure people feel genuinely heard. Isn’t that the baseline respect we all crave?
Lose the idea that your perspective is the only “right” one. Being willing to entertain another way of thinking isn’t weakness; it’s agility. It might genuinely lead you somewhere unexpected and brilliant. Welcome the moments that challenge your assumptions — that’s where progress starts, even if you shift a tiny bit.
Embrace diverse viewpoints and rewire any fear you have around conflict itself. History shows that friction often sparks incredible innovation and positive change.
Does disagreeing make you a jerk?
Nope. For reasonably well-adjusted humans, fighting — the kind driven purely by anger, ego, or a need for control — isn’t productive or enjoyable. But disagreeing? Having different opinions and arguing for them (constructively)? That’s essential. It’s how we test ideas, set boundaries, and build understanding.
When I learned to engage in an exchange of ideas without feeling personally attacked, when I understood that different perspectives bring me value, I unlocked my superpower.
This open-minded approach doesn’t simply help me learn and grow, and it didn’t just allow my husband a bit more quiet time; ironically, it made others more receptive to my viewpoint. And I gained a valuable return on investment — navigating disagreements effectively is a significant stress reducer.
I enjoyed reading The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict to help me understand how conflict can be used to move me forward.
Okay, almost through now
Before I go, let me put a fine point on how this all applies to writing more effectively and powering up your writing revenue. These suggestions are essential strategic tools for any writer like you who is serious about improving their craft and building a profitable business. You will learn faster, connect better, negotiate harder, collaborate smoother, and ultimately, earn more.
Engaging with challenging perspectives pushes you beyond clichés and helps you recognize unique story angles, making your writing stand out and resonate more deeply — thus, more effective.
Dealing with difficult editors, agents, publishers, or clients requires immense composure, focusing on the issue (not personality), and ensuring clear understanding (reflective listening). Successfully managing these relationships without burning bridges preserves your professional reputation and income streams.
Effectively navigating potentially tense conversations allows you to command better rates, secure more favorable terms, and ultimately increase your income. It’s about finding mutually agreeable solutions, not just winning.
When you truly ‘hear’ your audience (through comments, surveys, interactions) or clients, you’ll create content or provide services that resonate powerfully. Your writing hits the mark, builds loyalty, increases engagement, and justifies higher rates and consistent sales.
Seeing other perspectives helps you process feedback from editors, critique partners, beta readers, or even audience comments. If you absorb critique without defensiveness, understand the intent behind the feedback (even if clumsily delivered), and choose which inputs seriously matter, you win.
All my friends are headed to the coffee shop—it would be so cool if you felt like treating me to a cuppa. Just click the tip jar 🙃
Wowzer, you just gave a graduate-level course on conflict resolution…without any fluff and your signature dose of common sense. Excellent. And you’re so right about the ways these skills can be put to good use in a writing career. Many would not call it a high-conflict career, but any time you’re dealing with other people, the potential is there.
Good article. Very relatable. I felt like I could have written this about myself.