Seven Unique College Degrees From Notquite Normal U
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There’s a lot of talk about alternatives to a college education. Trade schools, apprenticeships, or self-training have helped many people reach their life goals. Let’s look at some special college programs. Some students march to the beat of a different drummer.
Honorary Doctor of Cannabinoids
There are real degrees in Cannabis Business and Cannabis Biology, and I think I knew some people in college who studied Cannabis. However, the HD in Cannabinoids is especially suited to non-traditional students. You’ll never be sure you really earned the degree or just thought you did. The pinochle players at our local Senior Center are trying self-study in this field. I’m concerned about their confusion over edibles vs. bongs. It takes them forever to play one hand. A degree like this might shed light on whether a tighter roll alleviates joint problems.
Bachelor of Science in Bullshit
The perfect tract for neighborhood or office gossip-mongers. Classes like “Buttinsky Skills,” wherein one learns to effectively pander to management while condescendingly using inside knowledge to throw co-workers under the bus. The degree applies to the workplace or the neighborhood. You wouldn’t actually have to take classes since you could make everything up.
21st Century Consumer Righteousness (Master’s in Ass-Hattery)
Why try to become a whining, complaining consumer on your own? Successfully completing this degree gives you the skills to shred another human without drawing a drop of blood. Upon graduation, you’ll be qualified to demand to speak to a supervisor even before you make a purchase. Never pay for anything again. You’ll learn to be so obnoxious that any business will return your full purchase price and insist that you keep the product. Special classes on finding something to complain about in any product or service.
Jack of All Trades Fellowship
This lifetime affiliation requires previous courses in substandard performance or bloviation. You will be qualified to represent yourself as an expert in any field, any trade, and any skill. All you do is watch a three-minute YouTube video. You’ll learn to select the shortest, least accurate videos and choose inept presenters at a glance. Never worry about doing a task right the first time or ever.
Mother-in-Law Associate Degree
Do you have adult children who may decide to get married? This is the degree for you. Classes will give you the secret skills to be 100% critical without being called out. You’ll learn to disrespect a son-in-law’s career no matter how skilled he is or how impressive his field is. Special lab units on freezing your daughter-in-law with the look. Or on composing caustic remarks on the fly. Some sections include bursting into tears on a whim.
Non-Parent Parenting Research Doctorate
Studies have shown that non-parents believe they are the ultimate source of sound parenting skills and advice. If you’ve never raised a child, never spent time with a child, never even met a child, this is for you. All instructors are non-parents. Learn to take any parent to task about how they raise their kids. But you do that anyway, don’t you? Sneering, tongue-clicking, and snide remarks are all covered.
Bachelor of Bagpiping
This degree is not for everyone. “A gentleman is someone who can play the bagpipes but doesn’t.” Be prepared to be ostracized by almost everyone all the time. Learn to walk while you play. Moving targets are hard to hit.
There you have it. Are you thinking about a new career? These programs could change your life. A college degree is something no one can take away from you. No matter how much they want to.
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